SURPRISE!!!

Last week I turned another year older---ho-hum. I wasn't a bit surprised--but then, I never am. Birthdays come and go, but some are more important than others----this one was. Suffice to say, it was not my 30th. This particular one nailed down, firmly and irretrievably what I already knew--- I am definitely not getting any younger. And if I didn't know it before, my face decided to clue me in the morning after my birthday---there it was, another wrinkle in time staring back at me, as if to say---yeah, baby, you've come a lo--o-o-o-ng, long ways.

At what point do we accept our mortality? I can remember clearly the day I realized I was not going to live forever---in fact, it suddenly hit me that nobody was---everyone on the planet---poof!---gone someday. I think I was about 10 when that unsettling epiphany dawned on my consciousness. OMG---this is not good. There must be a different way. And spiritually, there is, but I wasn't looking for harps and heaven back then. Slowly, I accepted what we all must--that nothing lasts forever---including us. What a pity--but then, my 90 year old mom would disagree. She says she's ready to make her exit---I just don't believe it. She still loves to party as much as I do. Funny thing is, looking back on it all, I only remember a few of the parties.

When I was five, I had a great birthday party--it wasn't a surprise, but I still remember the kids, the dress-up clothes, the presents, the attention. What a great idea---birthday parties! What better reason to party than to commemorate the day one became alive and part of this grand and glorious experience. Okay, so I didn't think like that when I was five, but I do now---and I knew then that there must be something very special about birthdays---even though we seemed to have little to do with being born. Then I finally heard someone say that we should be proud of ourselves,just for being here---because even as sperms, we proved to be stronger and more determined than all the other sperms that tried to make it through!! An "A-ha moment"!! And another reason for a party.

The next party I remember is years later,an attempted surprise party when I turned sweet 16---I somehow knew all about it, and had to feign surprise, but it was still fun and life was brimming over. It was the 50's---there were no drugs, no terrorism, no one out of 4 divorce rate. The only rock and rolling we did was at the local Skate Ranch, and "cool" was a word used only to describe the weather. Didn't matter--we had no wish to be "cool"---just cute, clever, or smart. And if you were a girl and had just one black skirt with a pink poodle adorned upon it, all was well with the world. If you were a guy, all you needed were white buck shoes or a duck-tail hair cut. If you had both, then---you were "cool" before "cool" was "cool".

When I turned an age that some people might call "older", suffice to say, even more emphatically, it was not my 30th, or my 40th, or--- my girl friends who also love to party, and gleefully remind you that you're getting older, and not necessarily better,invited me to a restaurant dinner birthday celebration. Naively thinking they would surprise me and to pay homage to my love of theatre, they planned to show up in Groucho Marx sunglasses, noses, and mustaches. But once again, I somehow knew this, and instead surprised them by strolling into the restaurant with---a little old lady wig of platinum gray tiny curls, black leather pants, vest, boots, cut out gloves, jaunty cap, and a dog-collar chain necklace---my version of a biker's babe--the new "little old lady" look. The look on their faces was a gift that still shines in my memory today.

Last year was another memorable birthday and what some people might refer to as a definite sign of "old". Having given up on anyone ever surprising me, I helped throw a party, group style, for my entire high school class. It was comforting to share the long years with others, but the number we were celebrating wasn't lost on me---time was moving on, and we with it. I asked everyone there to share any words of wisdom they may have gained through the years---"Live with an attitude of gratitude" is the one I most liked. But no one, including me, said anything about surprises (happy ones, of course) being one of the best ways to stay young! To be surprised is to feel energized, and to be the surpriser is to feel even better. Unexpected flowers, candy, visits, phone calls, all fall into this category. Never under estimate the power of tangible or spoken good wishes toward another---we are after all---people who need people! Thank you Barbra Streisand---

In between all the parties, the milestones,the other birthdays seem to blur together into one happy song---happy birthday, happy birthday,----we love you, my friend, my daughter, my sister ,my grandma, my mom, my wife---I loved them all back. And as the candles flickered on all the cakes, I always made the same two fervent wishes ---"Please don't take me from them too soon". And the most important one of all---"Don't even think about taking any of them from me--ever."

My life has had its moments of joy and sorrow, but those two requests have been granted--and so I count myself most fortunate, and will take whatever comes with the rest of the ride---wrinkles and all. That was the bargain I made---keep them all safe, and I'll accept anything else. I'm ready for the next curve in the road---I like curves. Curves keep us on on our toes and make the journey more interesting. Sometimes they hide something wonderful, and other times something deplorable or devastating. But it's the price we pay for the ride we take. I'm taking my chances, hoping for the good stuff--and holding on to my jaunty cap.

Now,as sit at an age I could never fathom when I was five, I can only think of how fast it has melted away---I want to hold the present in my hands a little longer and slow the whole experience down. I want to savor, smell, stare, soak it all up a little more. When asked this year what I wanted for a gift---I could think of nothing---except time. But there is just one other small thing I really, really would like--- a real surprise birthday party----maybe next year. Sometimes surprises come in cards. This year, one of mine from a friend said, "Happy Birthday, Fabulous!" Of course, I loved that card, especially since I had just been feelin' it--old, that is; and suddenly I felt--- well, fabulous! And surprised!!