"WHERE'S YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE?"

Today I read that the the governor of Hawaii has failed in a search to find President Obama's original birth certificate. I'm sure the "birthers" will love this news, though it would seem we have more important things to worry about. However, President Obama is not the only one to have ever been asked that pesky question.

But before we get to that, and speaking of birthdays, have you heard the latest astrology news? It seems that due to some perceived change in the positioning of the planets, some of our personal zodiac signs may have also changed. This could be quite alarming and cause severe identity problems---if you're into that sort of thing. In other words, if all along you thought you were a very organized, idealistic Virgo, you could have become a Libra over night---frightening thought. I once had a roommate, Suzy,in New York who claimed to be an astrologist. She was always talking about "charts" and the placement of the planets versus your destiny. She was a little on the "bizarro" side anyway, so I didn't think much of it until she began to get personal---she wanted to "do a chart" on me. "Thanks, but no thanks", I said. You'd have to know this girl to imagine that she did not take "no" for an answer---she could be scary wicked at times. Come to think of it, she actually did resemble Esmeralda in the well known play, "Wicked". She had coal black, straight hair and wore pointy-toed shoes, which were worn down to the nub--maybe from being used as brakes on a broom. She was attractive in a sort of sophisticated, cool, detached way. She was not green,like poor Esmeralda--- she only wore black, and had the same intellectually bored attitude with a smile that never projected joy---it was more of a condescending smirk, a sort of side ways, half smile. The only thing that belied her outer hard shell, were her green eyes, which would twinkle and sparkle, if she were occasionally moved to actually smile full on. Well, if Suzy was Esmeralda, I was her nemesis, Glinda ----the good, sweet witch, if you recall, and who was looked down upon with utter contempt by Esmeralda. Suzy tolerated me and my small town, cheery, smiley, California ways, but made it clear that I was more of a guest, than a roomate, which would imply an intimacy in her mind. I was not to clean the apartment, as that would also imply a sort of ownership, which was definitely not going to be the case. That place was hers, rent controlled, and no one was going to take it from her. Groovy. That part was just great with me, though I never saw Suzy lift a finger to tidy up the place. Maybe she hired it out, or---maybe she waved her magic wand, as everything always seemed spotless. She became obsessed with wanting to know my birth date and time of day I was born, so as to do a proper "chart". I,on the other hand, became obsessed with withholding that information from her, mostly just to assert my will over hers, but also because I had been brought up not to mess with any kind of witch craft----even one named, Suzy. Somehow she found out that I carried my birth certificate in my wallet and one day I discovered to my indignation that she had invaded my wallet and gotten the information she supposedly needed to then inform me as to my future. I begged her not to tell me, as I really preferred to find out the old fashioned way, but tell me she did, even though I stuck my fingers in my ears and sang a loud song. She didn't care, just kept on gleefully yelling out my future. Like I said, she was bizarre, and I'm not kidding. Once when we were awakened in the night by a false fire scare in our apartment building, she ran out of the room, screaming "every man for himself"----like I was going to crowd her out of the elevator or push her off the fire escape as I scrambled past her---not that she wouldn't have done the same for me.

Did her prophesies about my future come true---and was she really a witch in black New York street clothes? Actually, some of what she predicted did come eerily to pass. I won't go into detail, but she predicted in very specific terms how my personal life would surprisingly turn out in terms of romance and marriage. She then went on to say I would break one of my limbs in later life---I'm still waiting for that one. Thanks a lot, Suzy. She may have something to do with my having given up skiing some years ago.


I don't know whatever happened to Suzy. In a rare moment of roommate bonding,I actually invited her to move back to the west with me when I left. She seemed lonely and actually expressed something akin to regret at my leaving her. I thought if I could get her out of New York, she might find a softer, happier version of herself. Don't know if I was imagining it, but she was getting harder all the time---and a little green around the edges. Probably just her eye shadow--couldn't have been envy. She thought of me as totally hicksville. Anyway,she stared at me as though I had asked her to go to the moon, and said she would never survive outside of New York. She was probably right, and I was relieved--I couln't imagine her anywhere else either---especially not in my life anymore. I contacted her once when I was visiting New York. It had been many years since we had not so sadly parted ways. I didn't exactly anticipate a warm welcome---Suzie certainly wasn't what you would call "warm"-- had always been mildly amused at my small town friendliness.She was a chain smoker and could stare a hole right through you as she blew smoke in your face, while sizing you up. Still, I mistakenly thought that perhaps the years would have mellowed her a bit and that she would be, if not happy, well, --- mildly amused to hear from me---I said,"Hi, this is Kellee, your old roommate?" She said, "who?" I said," Remember, the one from California who was born at 12;00 a.m. on a Monday?? I continued with, "Just thought I'd call and say Hi". There was complete silence, and then she said simply--"Why?" She didn't even sound amused. That was pretty much it---maybe she was still miffed over the birth certificate thing. That was decades ago, and I've never heard from Suzy again. When I left her, she had been fired from her job----maybe she became a fortune teller. I think of her every time I read my horoscope in the newspaper---which is pretty much every morning. I don't think of that as consorting with witchcraft, and really don't put much stock into it--just a little,especially now that the planets are in a different arrangement than previously thought. Who knows, maybe our whole lives will take a huge turn for the better, now that our signs are a little different. I never did really feel like a total Virgo, anyway. Too much perfection, and not enough adventure---and maybe I've been let off the hook regarding a broken limb. I may even take up skiing again. Think I'll call Suzy one more time and tell her what I think of her "charts". Maybe somebody should put her in charge of locating President Obama's birth certificate---I'm pretty sure she could find it, if there is one.

Hey, Suze, if you're reading this, don't take it too personally---I was mildly fond of you---you taught me a lot about the big city and how to comport myself---only smile half way, always wear black, and don't even think about dusting the furniture. But you didn't fool me---I just know below that sideways smile, beat a heart of green, I mean gold. And President Obama, if you happen to be reading this,---- maybe you should have kept that birth certificate in your wallet! I'm just sayin'---